alienaesthetic

Went to a party with DanJohn last night. It was good to see him. I tried to channel that suave, sophisticated air. I really had nothing to wear to the party, however, and for the most part it was uncomfortable. There were a couple girls there in their swimsuits that were skinny and gorgeous (well at least one of them). I had my eye on her for the majority of the night.

I tried to remain as comfortable as possible, be friendly. It was hard considering I had eaten a shit load at my grad. party and had a very disturbing case of bloating and gas.

We eventually left and had sex in his van outside of guitar center- where he works. That went pretty well and fine and dandy. It was pretty funny because we drove home naked- I was reclining in a chair smoking a ciggarette while he drove. The only thing that kind of sucked was that we couldn't kiss because I told him I thought I had cold sores.

Aggh.

I guess the positive in this is that he was even willing to see me. I think I can handle having cold sores if I know it is possible for someone to love me anyway.

So, now I'm back at Avenues. Looking forward to yoga at 1:00. I should really get some more sleep first though. I have to start work early on Monday. I think that will be really good for me.

So. Until then I guess I would like to retain this peace. Whenever I get frazzled up about something I go back to that old ultimatum. It's this or death. There is ALWAYS a way out, thats why you shouldn't freak out to much. You might as well just live, knowing we are eternal.

I'll focus on being competely absorbed in the present moment- appreciating what it has to offer me to the fullest, and acting as if my dream has already come  true.

SHOPPING LIST

• planner
• eyeliner
• bike lock

Lately (or at least when I've remembered to), upon waking and before I get out of bed, I've expressed gratitude towards the Universe for all the things I'm thankful for. And it really seems to help! I've been feeling very peaceful lately, and just at a very good and trusting place. 

Its been a couple days ( I tend to get off schedule on weekends), but I would like to create a list of things I'm grateful for once again. This feels slightly strange to do so, considering I invest so much thought and energy into what I think is not "good enough" or needs to be changed. I think this is definately a worthwhile practice.  

I AM GRATEFUL FOR...

having a wonderful place to live
having pending hangout dates 
having friends
being able to visit my parents
having a perfect counselor 
being on a spiritual path
dance
new music
high speed internet
my ipod
the ability to lose weight
having a boyfriend
being a lyracist for a band
doing well in school
certainty of going to college
the hope of a better future
my writing
spiritual opportunities
coming summer :P
the new park I've found to walk in
my psych class
my world religions class
a clear understanding of what hw I have to do
Tool
people I've recently connected w/ on a spiritual level 
talking w/ new people 
B-Vitamins
healthy foods
the ability to trust the Universe :D

 "Creating reality with thought is similar to the process of hypnosis. You must focus all of your attention on the thoughts of what you want to create. Combined with an intense feeling, your thought goes forth to produce what you desire. "

I listened to Alan Watts podcast called "What is..."

It was all relatively confusing.

He is a great speaker though, very entertaining. His voice and style of speech reminds me of David Bowie's *sigh* I wish I could have gotten into him BEFORE he died.

I did pull a few very essencial ideas from his lecture. One was that there is no "Self". For example, when we use the term "I", we are giving it an imaginary meaning. He began by saying that we are apart of the Universe- and the key proof of this, is how alienated we feel in this modern age, as the enviroment is being destroyed. By hurting the enviroment, we are hurting ourselves.

This part very much reasonated with the research I've been doing lately, and hearing over and over again the idea of unity and oneness with nature and others.

The new concept, however, was the idea that we can't change ourselves (I think the reason was because there is no self to change). We can't become the masters of our mind. We can't control our feelings and thoughts.

This, by the way, is a huge shock to me. I am all about self-empowerment and struggling to make myself "better".

He ensured the audience over and over again that this was not meant to be a depressing message. Apparently, when we let go of the control, things work themselves out.

"If you realize you cannot transform yourself, that means your main obstacle has collapsed. That was you"

"You can't control your feelings and your thoughts becuase YOU ARE your feelings and thoughts"

"The hallucintion (of "I") only dissapears in the realization of it's own futility"

He said the reason gurus and yogis emphasize trying to master the mind, is because it is impossible and they are purposely trying to get you to the point of realizing your own futility (a process that could take the average individual a lifetime). He was obviously promoting meditation:

"When you realize you can't do anything, and your feelings and thoughts are simply happenings, you have reached a state called meditation"

He explained the process; You simply observe your thoughts, observing, observing, not trying to change them. And eventually they will just die out, and you will reach silence. This is a deeper meditation. Suddenly, you will see the world as it is.

You will realize true reality- the oneness of all things.

This is the first time I understand why Buddhists try to cut out desire. Desire causes suffering because certain things are unattainable.

No difference between yourself and others.
No difference between the future, present or past.
"WE LIVE IN AN ETERNAL NOW... you've got all the time there is."

"And then we get this strange feeling...that we are no longer this

poor little stranger and afraid,
in a world it never made.

but that you ARE this Universe, and you are creating it at every moment. Because it starts now....it didn't begin in the past...because the past is now. It begins here. This is the birth of responsiblity."

"If you know that "I", in the sense of the person, the front, the ego, it really doesn't exist. Then...it won't go to your head too badly, if you wake up and discover that you're God."


Funny quote::
Spiritual competition: "MY YOGI IS FASTER THAN YOUR YOGI!
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME!"

XD

Sometime I think we puposely drive ourselves to the lowest of lows

Because after death, there is rebirth



I don't let it get to me
"Tomorrow I will be reborn"


It is not only I that so often feels the need to constantly start again. It seems I can never survive with a particular "life" for long. It is a tapestry of the human condition. It threads our traditions (new years, baptism, every goddamn weight loss ad....)


Motivation, hope


the things I will never give up
because I could not give them up
and experience any kind of life at all


Tomorrow I begin my new life
"Tomorrow I will be reborn"


(((Many little rebirths here on earth
.....preparing us to the one that will come later)))
OUTSIDE THE BOX

North America: flowers and tombstones on the grave.

The Direh (Navajo) and Ladalch (Himalaya) both have doors of their houses facing the rising sun.

The Bara of Madagascar believe that ancestors control their destiny. The deceased is placed in a "house of many tears" where women weep three times daily. Men and women are separated through the day, but meet at night to feast, drink rum, sing and dance. ON the third day, the body is taken to the family burial house. Rum poured around the doorway announces the arrival of a new ancestor.

Kuku-Kuku - smoke dry dead relatives over fire. The ceremony begins with four days of mourning, wailing and throwing themselves on the corpse. Relatives eat dirt, tear out their hair, bash themselves on the forehead with a rock till bleeding begins. The pyre is lit on the fifth day, self mutilation subsides. The dried body is put in a place of honour in the home.

LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
There is more to life than simply increasing its speed. Ghandi
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Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals. Oscar Wilde
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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde
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Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. Oscar Wilde
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All the world's a stage. Shakespeare
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I'm the shit. But then again...everyone else thinks they're the shit too. I think we're all just a bunch of shitheads. Yours truly
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What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul? Jesus Christ
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To the world, you may be one person. To one person, you may be the world
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A mask tells us more than a face. Oscar Wilde
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A closed mouth gathers no foot
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I am a deeply superficial person. Andy Warhol
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I like boring things. Andy Warhol
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I'm the type who'd be happy not going anywhere as long as I was sure I knew exactly what was happening at the places I wasn't going to. I'm the type who'd like to sit home and watch every party that I'm invited to on a monitor in my bedroom. Andy Warhol
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I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. David Bowie
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You could put a bucket over your head and call it high fashion. meh
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Beauty is an ecstasy; it is as simple as hunger. There is really nothing to be said about it. It is like the perfume of a rose: you can smell it and that is all. William Somerset Maugham
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The fullfillment is always in the wish
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Many people genuinely do not wish to be saints, and it is possible that some who achieve or aspire to sainthood have never had much temptation to be human beings. George Orwell
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Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of the intelligence. Edgar Allan Poe
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I think [rock music] should be tarted up, made into a prostitute, a parody of itself. It should be the clown, the Pierrot medium. David Bowie
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I believe in low lights and trick mirrors. I believe in plastic surgery. Andy Warhol
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Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
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I've found that every time I've made a radical change, it's helped me feel buoyant as an artist. David Bowie
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Noone would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world. Aristotle
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You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. Winston Churchill
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That's the last fuckin time -- I try to rock your fuckin world! MSI
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Most people are not nearly as mysterious as they think they are
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I wish I were smarter. I got so lost upon the shore-DB
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Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. -Pablo Picasso
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Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. -Pablo Picasso
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We are all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars -George Orwell
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"It's so hard for us to really be really You and really Me" ~ David Bowie
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"And yet," resumed Buffo (the clown), after a pull at a bottle, "we posses one privilege, one rare privelge, that makes of our outcast and disregarded state something wonderful, something precious. We can invent our own faces! We MAKE ourselves." He pointed at the white and red superimposed upon his own, never-visible features. -Angela Carter, "Nights at the Circus"
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How strange it is to be anything at all - The Nuetral Milk Hotel
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Your belief is your reality

Be the change you want to see in the world - Ghandi
Reality is within. Reality is multiple.

Every man is superior to you in someway

The only constant in life is that it is ever changing

Every metaphor is the identification of but one link in the great chain that connects all of life.

Great leaders do not let event decide their actions. They take the actions that determine the events.

This si the remainder of my 5-day weekend. Special indeed. And although to outsiders looking in, what I have been doing would seem like nothing special (probably even pathetic). But I must say, it has been extraordinary to me. Surfing the web at tnights- w/ no real intentions of any real research. Playing in a virtual reality world even (which is the closest thing to "gaming" as I get. "Second Life"- fun and addicting as all hell, like Sims except better). Lounging in plush living rooms with the smells of a turkey dinner sizzling in the oven? Definately different. Definately time well spent.
But I'm afraid if I continue much longer like this- just loafing around, eating and consuming likewise what entertains me- I will internally combust. When I am done journaling...I will..play my virtual reality game for just a bit longer...and THEN I will work out (hee hee).
I suppose I should zoom out a bit, however- before I get started on such trifling details such as how my avatar is named Ramona and is as skinny as hell and walks like a pigeon. How much more important would it be to share that I have moved yet again- and currently am a resident of Dead and Ruby Vanhorn's house in Golden Valley? I attend Cooper High School- which I am still struggling to remain more life-like in. I recently broke up with my boyfriend- honestly not as big of deal as breakups have the reputation for. I am infatuated with Jeffrey's friend- but from what I've heard a/b his outlook on relationships- and knowing he most likely is not into me- I have lost most hope there. Seriously, how hard is it to find a guy that follows the principles of sex, drugs and rock and roll- and is relatively intelligent?? I suppose I could be doing manifestations for a more arounsing lovelife- but my schedule shows me how idiotic that would be. Instead, I am manifesting financial independence- a thought, although not named so precisely before- has stimulated every nerve in my body for some years now. I aim for independency. This time, I aim to do it in all aspects of the word which means (in the words of Chris Crocker and many other flaming individualists) "I am my number one fan"
Although- in this process of becoming more independent, I have relied on a LOT of people for help. Counselors, family members, teachers, friends- have all pledged their support and it has been touching. No predicament I find myself in shall seem as scary and dismal as the ones I have experienced before. There is love.
Speaking of being my number one fan...Although I have the tendency to focus on the areas in which I lack in- I must say that lately I've had a flooding of academic success. My transcript now shows a history of a solid string of A's and B's (my counselor helped to erase the F's in my freshman year due to unreturned books- resulting in a GPA increase from 3.1 to 3.4 !!) My english teacher- supposedly a critical grader- has given me full points on 2 out of 3 quizzes so far this year. My art teacher has taken a noticable liking to my work and has put some of it up on the school halls, and sent 1 to the district office. I recieved the highest baseline ACT score out of all the Admission Possible students (a number of about 50). And finally, and most remarkably, I was accepted into the play "Oliver Twist" as a townspers/chorus member HAHAH.
I change my mind. There is yet hope at Cooper. This is apparently my time to shine. Whether it be comprised of social successes or academic successes- I shall acknowledge them both while continuing my neverending strive towards balance.
As far as diet/exercise goes (a topic of whose absence I feel would create a major discontinuity in my journaling tops from over the years) I have created a complex yet flexible point based system that extends to calorie count, food quality, water, cardio and strength exercise, a daily focus (either meditation or hypnosis) and an extra inspirational activity (poistive energy inducing fun). Today is my first day :D

Hey, give me a break Victoria. Yesterday was thanksgiving :P

I only made you up..to hurt myself

You are my beautiful mirage. I love you. I hold you as the cactus thorns tear my skin.

Major life update:

I live at my crazy aunt Carol's house
I go to Cooper High school now
I have a boyfriend named Jeffrey
I am drowning in desire for so many
I am digging metaphysics
I am grateful
I am afraid
I remain ambitious, but lose my way sometimes
I am devouring lovely lovely new music
I am a dancer
I still crave connection, but have a greater hope than I did before
I want to make life art and art life

well well well, that was an easy entry. I think I will end this with a song/poem I have come up with today, while working on menial tasks in the front lawn. If I can build the confidence, I will eventually show it to Avass- a gorgeous African boy at my school- like he asked for. I might even join the poetry club.

::Love is greed::

Tell me, tell me, tell me
What you know
Show me, show me, show me
What you own

I love you
Like the water spout
When my mouth
Is dry
I hold you
As our selfish dreams
Make us smile

With skinny, sucking lips
I milked your breast
Of white blood
Mom and Dad,
please love me-
Cuz there’s so much
That I need
I’m always helping the Other
Because the Other helps me
In this world
Of love
Based on greed

Tell me, tell me, tell me
Show me, show me, show me


Unconditional
love
Made to make you feel
Alright
Give it to the god above
Cuz there is none of this
In sight

I hold you
As our selfish dreams
Make us smile

I love my journal. Its so stupid. Haha.

I want to be a dancer
I want to work at Burger King
I want to reincarnate myself as Ziggy Stardust

Yes...I want all this soo badly

i only got 6 hours of sleep. :(
I'm bringing the Ziggy Stardust tracks w/ me
today is sure to be melodramatic day
at least for me

oh yea, im hot, im ready, im gonna rub my booty all up in ur face so u lick it. baby. yea.
((im a sexy person)) ((tell ur fwiends)) ((NOW!!! BITCH RUN!!!!!!!!))






i've...erm...givin up on the homework thing. I just can't help it!! I've gone from a webpage on the DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY to a page on the FBI to a page on the definition of UNAFFECTED to a SKINHEAD page and a wonderful underground grotto of nazi-fucking punk love, to a biography on the MISFITS, then a webpage on the WHO, and then DAVID BOWIE, and I am currently on a page of dynamic reviews on "ZIGGY STARDUST" and mouthing the words to every song w/ a tear in my eye!!!! I sure hope mum doesn't have that parental control thing set that record every place I've been to.

:| POOP. I need a peice of gum. *chews furiouciously* i can't spell damnit.

This is fun...I hate the color scheme though..but unfortunately all of them wanted to make me sick up.